Over the last 10 months, we have seen some of the darkest days that I pray no one else ever has to experience. But the truth is, we all see darkness at some point. We live in a fallen world and at times the darkness seems to overpower the Light, but thank you, Jesus, He ALWAYS shines brighter. He knew before I was even born that I would need two of the most beautiful sources of light that He could give me here on earth. Kirra and Kiana have been my constant joy and healing since losing Joscelyn. There was more than one occasion where one of them would either brush my tears away with a sweet, little hand, or quietly bring me a tissue. I distinctly remember one time when in the middle of my tears, Kiana looked at me and said, "It's okay, Mommy." Words can't even describe how much healing those times have brought me. They have a strength, a peace, and a love for life that I admire and am so thankful for. On days when I wanted nothing more than to just stay in bed all day and cry, they kept me going not knowing how much they were helping me move on with life and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Each day was a step towards more healing, even though at times it didn't feel like it. They have brought so much joy and life into our otherwise deadened hearts. We weren't sure how much they would remember of their little sister, and I've often thought that they probably won't remember much at all since they were barely 2 1/2 years old when we lost Joscelyn. But almost every time we see fresh flowers they point at them and say,"Baby Joscelyn!" That is by far the sweetest memory that I will forever cherish. They've even pointed up at the stars and will say,"God made baby Joscelyn, and the stars, and cookies...." lol The list is endless. :) But they remember!!! And I cannot thank God enough for that. They love when we take flowers to her graveside and play as we reminisce. One day we'll be able to tell them how much of a light and beautiful source of healing they have been for us. And even just helping us to appreciate and value their lives and the pure miracle that they themselves are. Many, many nights we have seated ourselves on the end of their bed and through tears have just marveled at the gift and blessing that they are to us.
So, to my dearest daughters, Kirra and Kiana, I love you, and thank God for you every day of my life. You will never know or understand how much healing you have brought to my heart, but I pray that the gift you are to us would carry on throughout your lives and into others. Many will be touched by your joy and love for life and by your empathy for those hurting. God knew that your lives would not only change your mommy and daddy, but will one day change the world.
And to my best friend, my rock, my lover, my defender, my husband. I struggle to find the words to say how much respect and love that I have for you. Countless nights were spent in prayer and tears, and we've grown so much closer because of them. You've always encouraged me to keep going, and at the same time respected the space I needed to grieve our daughter. You have been the best daddy our daughters could ever ask for and I know that Joscelyn would adore you just as much as the twins do. And when Valentine's Day came and you could only give 2 roses to the girls and had to take the 3rd to Joscelyn's grave, I know how much that hurt and made you miss our little angel. Few men have walked through the valley that you have carried your family through, and I honor you for that. You possess a strength and gentleness that resembles our Heavenly Father that I admire that so so much. I know that our children are beyond blessed to have you, and I am a blessed wife indeed.
My beautiful family has been such a huge part of the Lord mending my broken heart and bringing more and more healing as the days go on. Even though there's so much I'm missing out on of Joscelyn's life, I have an appreciation and fullness of life with my husband and twins that would otherwise be taken for granted had we not gone through our loss. Joscelyn will always be a part of our family and I'm thankful that, even though time does and will go on, she will never be forgotten.
(Photo credit goes to Krystle Kay Photography for capturing our family so beautifully.)
