A Year In Reflection

  Allow me to begin by saying that this has been by far one of the fastest years of our lives. So much has happened that any feeble attempt at containing it to one small blog post would be just that, feeble. Nevertheless, I will strive to do my best. 

  Grieving through Joscelyn's first year, I knew, would be the hardest year because there are a countless number of milestones achieved in the first year of your child's life. Yes, there are other things that we will grieve and miss out on as time goes, but just getting through this first year is in itself a mountain climbed. Not having her here to celebrate her first birthday is probably one of the hardest moments and memories of all to have to let go of and accept the fact that I won't ever have it. I know her party in Heaven far surpasses anything that I could put on, and that makes me smile. I mean, who wouldn't want to celebrate their first birthday with Jesus?? I'll be He makes the best birthday cake. Go crazy, Joscelyn, and don't be afraid to get those hands covered in frosting! Make sure to get some in that blanket of black hair that I'm sure you still have. 

   Wednesday, April 23, 2014 marks exactly a year from the time we experienced the beautiful birth and short lived life of our little Joscelyn Pearl, and I'm so thankful God gave us the immeasurable amount of grace it took this past year to sustain us and make us stronger and more useful for His Kingdom. Everything we go through in life has a purpose. We aren't just puppets dangling around down here and flung here and there without thought or care. No. We were created in HIS image with PURPOSE and PRECISION and VALUE. Nothing is done in vain. When we choose to hand over the pen of life and allow God to write our story, then is when beauty comes from pain, life comes from death, and wholeness comes from brokenness. If there's one thing that I've learned and I feel like God has pounded into my heart this last year, it's this: my circumstances, be they good or bad, do not define who God is. How we allow God to use those circumstances is what defines Him. No pressure, right? :)  I'll be the first one to confess that I haven't always done a good job of this, but that's where His grace comes in and cleans me up. 

   These last 12 months haven't been a walk in the park, and not every day was filled with rainbows and smiley faces, not even close. It has been a struggle of so many questions, a fight to keep hanging on to truth, and learning to trust God all over again and let go of what we think is ours, but truly is not. I know this Easter Sunday Who my God is: He is GOOD, He is Faithful, He is Healer, He is my Comforter, He is my Sustainer, He is my ROCK of Ages, and He never left our side. He is ALIVE and He has given us hope on the gloomiest of days, and best of all, He has blessed us with another healthy little girl that we already have so much love for and treasure. She will not replace, but RESTORE just as God spoke over us last summer. "so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:11  

   We're celebrating today the new life we have in Christ, the birth of our daughter Joscelyn, and the anticipation of the new life that He has placed inside my womb. It's unexplainable how much joy He has given us where only pain and tears seemed to fill our hearts. God knows all too well what's it's like to see His child die. His ONLY Son was the sacrifice for our sins and I can't even imagine the pain He felt to its depth, but on a small scale I can. And I'm thankful that the pain we've felt does not go unnoticed, but is understood and recognized by the Most High God. YOU do not go unnoticed. YOU are valued. YOU are treasured by the Most High God. Your salvation was bought at very high price. Receive it, embrace it, and let God write your story.

  Bless the Lord, O my soul, 
 and all that is within me,

    bless his holy name!

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits,

who forgives all your iniquity,
    who heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit,
    who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

who satisfies you with good
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Psalm 103:1-5

  Happy Easter, and Happy Birthday to the little girl that brought us so much closer to the heart of God. We love you so much!

And to the little girl who will join the family this August, you my dear, are such an enormous gift and we can't wait to meet you!!

   

Mending a Broken Heart

     Not a single day goes by that I don't think about what she would look like right now. I wonder if her hair would be curly or straight, if her features would resemble her big sisters, if she'd have her daddy's dimples, or if her little chubby hands would be clapping right now.....there's just so much I'm missing out on of what could've been....should've been, a life fully lived out and enjoyed with her family.

     Over the last 10 months, we have seen some of the darkest days that I pray no one else ever has to experience. But the truth is, we all see darkness at some point. We live in a fallen world and at times the darkness seems to overpower the Light, but thank you, Jesus, He ALWAYS shines brighter. He knew before I was even born that I would need two of the most beautiful sources of light that He could give me here on earth. Kirra and Kiana have been my constant joy and healing since losing Joscelyn. There was more than one occasion where one of them would either brush my tears away with a sweet, little hand, or quietly bring me a tissue. I distinctly remember one time when in the middle of my tears, Kiana looked at me and said, "It's okay, Mommy." Words can't even describe how much healing those times have brought me. They have a strength, a peace, and a love for life that I admire and am so thankful for. On days when I wanted nothing more than to just stay in bed all day and cry, they kept me going not knowing how much they were helping me move on with life and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Each day was a step towards more healing, even though at times it didn't feel like it. They have brought so much joy and life into our otherwise deadened hearts. We weren't sure how much they would remember of their little sister, and I've often thought that they probably won't remember much at all since they were barely 2 1/2 years old when we lost Joscelyn. But almost every time we see fresh flowers they point at them and say,"Baby Joscelyn!" That is by far the sweetest memory that I will forever cherish. They've even pointed up at the stars and will say,"God made baby Joscelyn, and the stars, and cookies...." lol The list is endless. :) But they remember!!! And I cannot thank God enough for that. They love when we take flowers to her graveside and play as we reminisce. One day we'll be able to tell them how much of a light and beautiful source of healing they have been for us. And even just helping us to appreciate and value their lives and the pure miracle that they themselves are. Many, many nights we have seated ourselves on the end of their bed and through tears have just marveled at the gift and blessing that they are to us.

      So, to my dearest daughters, Kirra and Kiana, I love you, and thank God for you every day of my life. You will never know or understand how much healing you have brought to my heart, but I pray that the gift you are to us would carry on throughout your lives and into others. Many will be touched by your joy and love for life and by your empathy for those hurting. God knew that your lives would not only change your mommy and daddy, but will one day change the world.
     And to my best friend, my rock, my lover, my defender, my husband. I struggle to find the words to say how much respect and love that I have for you. Countless nights were spent in prayer and tears, and we've grown so much closer because of them. You've always encouraged me to keep going, and at the same time respected the space I needed to grieve our daughter. You have been the best daddy our daughters could ever ask for and I know that Joscelyn would adore you just as much as the twins do. And when Valentine's Day came and you could only give 2 roses to the girls and had to take the 3rd to Joscelyn's grave, I know how much that hurt and made you miss our little angel. Few men have walked through the valley that you have carried your family through, and I honor you for that. You possess a strength and gentleness that resembles our Heavenly Father that I admire that so so much. I know that our children are beyond blessed to have you, and I am a blessed wife indeed.

      My beautiful family has been such a huge part of the Lord mending my broken heart and bringing more and more healing as the days go on. Even though there's so much I'm missing out on of Joscelyn's life, I have an appreciation and fullness of life with my husband and twins that would otherwise be taken for granted had we not gone through our loss. Joscelyn will always be a part of our family and I'm thankful that, even though time does and will go on, she will never be forgotten.

 (Photo credit goes to Krystle Kay Photography for capturing our family so beautifully.)