" He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young. "
Since Joscelyn went home to be with Jesus so much has happened. A lot of difficult emotions and questions have come up. Many of which I figured wouldn't be an issue. Alas, losing a child is not something that is easily accepted or welcomed for that matter, so I guess the unexpected becomes the expected.
A lot of people have asked us along the way how we're doing, and honestly overall we have been good. Not great, not overjoyed, but just good. Right now though I am angry. At times I have felt the deepest rage at God for taking my baby and not healing her heart for her to stay here and fill my ever-so-empty and heavy arms. I've screamed at Him and bore my soul to the one Who created me and begged Him to take me too. Especially when we had to move out of the home she was born in only 5 short months after she was born, and then finding out that her headstone was installed on my birthday. Some days the pain I feel is beyond physical comprehension and I wonder if I'll ever be the same. The truth? No. I won't ever be the same. And I've come to realize and embrace that fact. I may not and most likely will not have any or all answers this side of Heaven. But, OH! How badly I demand them at times!!
There is one, no two incidences that occurred shortly after she passed that I have felt needed to be shared to show how loving and gracious my Father is. It was exactly seven weeks after my due date with Joscelyn and I was serving coffee at our church during the week of Bible School. I didn't want to be there, but I wanted to help. Up until this time I felt like everywhere I went people stared. I now had a label. It felt like I had a giant neon sign above my head that told the world,"This is the lady that lost her baby, and her prayer wasn't answered." It was awful. I didn't know how to let go, trust God with her, and allow Him to heal my heart. It was even effecting my marriage. I felt unimportant, insignificant, unloved, even completely disregarded by my Maker. The final night of Bible School arrived and I found myself surrounded by a sea of people and happy children, and I was still wondering why in the world God wanted me there. All of sudden a lady with an incredibly kind face came up and asked if she could talk to me. I said,"Sure", assuming that she was going to say something to the fact that she saw our story on Facebook and was really touched, etc. What she ended up saying blew my mind and was straight from the mouth of God. She went on to say,"I don't know who you are, but every time I see you and even just coming into the room this evening, I get this overwhelming sense that God has something that is very precious to you. (Joscelyn's middle name, Pearl, meant Precious and that name was spoken to me by God Himself....crazy!) I feel like I'm supposed to tell you that He has it and it's okay. He loves you and you are precious to Him." I stared at her like a deer in headlights and asked her,"You don't know who I am??" "No", she said. I then proceeded to tell her how we just lost our little baby girl and we hugged and both bawled our eyes out. I told Brenton as soon as I was on my way home, and we were both freaking out.
The other incident involved a missionary from India that we had never met. After hearing him share his story we were talking with him and he looked straight at me and said,"God heals the broken hearted. He's going to restore what was taken from you." Totally Holy Spirit led and God ordained. Divine intervention that has healed my heart over and over. God is a roaring lion when His children are hurting and I heard Him loud and clear.
My label has become a blessing, in fact. Even Jesus had a label. They don't need to be a bad thing. God can and does make beauty from ashes. What matters is how we allow God to use our labels, our wounds, our life story that He's writing to bring Him ultimate glory and honor and make us better. He has called me to put our story into words and while it can be the hardest thing to do at times, I always wait for His nudging to continue with the next blog post and it brings new healing each time. God is the ultimate healing and is healing me in my time of being angry. It's definitely not something I thought I'd go through, but like I said earlier,"The unexpected starts to become the expected." And God is always there waiting for me in my next stage of grief. Even though I can't always sense Him there, I know He's walking me through. Today is a new day, a better day. And I thank God for bringing me through the last 7.5 months with relatively minor injuries. There's still a LOT of healing to take place......but He's getting me there. He is and always was Good, and Gracious, and Gentle with His flock.
