Goodbye For Now

    The hours and several days that passed after Joscelyn went to be with Jesus were by far the hardest moments I've ever lived. So much of it just felt like a whirlwind of emotions. There was peace amidst inner turmoil. Love amidst gut-wrenching pain. Our friends, they're more like family really, immediately took action to make things as "bearable" for us as possible. One kindly went and bought breakfast for everyone in the house while another went and bought groceries that more than stocked our fridge. Simple acts of kindness to some, but blessings from Heaven for us. We spent time holding, cuddling, and drinking in every teeny tiny detail we could before we'd have to let her go. Our pastor came over and so kindly went over the details of planning her funeral and what decisions we'd have to make. Plans that no parent ever thinks about making or having to put thought into....especially on the very same day you give birth. Our midwife, Harmony, was an angel and a half. When the paramedics and police had to come and pronounce her dead and make sure nothing suspicious happened, she handled it with ease and made the process so much easier to go through. Even the policeman and paramedics that came in were such gentlemen....so kind and respectful and moved to tears for the little body that just several hours earlier had surged with life.
     We dressed her in a special little white dress with pink butterflies and a little matching grey sweater that fit her tiny body perfectly. Even the girls helped out. We sang songs to her and took her hand and foot prints in hot pink ink that beautifully decorates the baby book that only got partially filled. Krystle kindly came over around 2:30pm after a long night of photographing the birth to take newborn and family pictures for us. Pictures that say a thousand words and are very dear to my heart. Then, as death's darkness began taking over her little body, we knew it was time to call the funeral home to come take her so we wouldn't remember her that way. More hard decisions. Around 4:00pm a young man from the funeral home came by to take her. He brought in a simple, delicate, white casket to place her in. I thought I could do it, but I just couldn't. I didn't have the strength to physically place my baby in that box. I sobbed as I handed her over to Brenton, and he ever so gently placed her inside and shut the lid. He carried her outside to the van that waited to take her away. That was the last time we would see and hold our sweet baby on this earth.
     That night we didn't sleep much at all. We both clung desperately to Jesus and the pink blanket we had wrapped her in. Our tears put us to sleep as we reminisced about our sweet baby and cried out to Jesus to sustain us. Deep, mind-numbing pain. I know now in a small part how God must have felt when His Only Son died on that rugged cross, knowing that it had to be done for my redemption. For your redemption. A good friend of mine told me that "God never wastes pain." Words that have resonated with me again and again. He brings "beauty from ashes" and I believe that without pain, we would never see beauty. If it wouldn't be for the hard steps He asks us to take in life, we would never change, or grow, or become refined from the pain that often times goes hand in hand with those steps. Pain is necessary. And it can be good. If we let the Master use it for good. I always said that if this is what would bring God the most glory then I want to be all in. Being all in requires losing yourself to gain Christ.....not an easy processs, and I have by no means reached this, but I'm getting there. The more I lose of myself and this life to gain Christ, as hard and painful as it may be, I know that there is beauty coming.....one day.