A Year In Reflection

  Allow me to begin by saying that this has been by far one of the fastest years of our lives. So much has happened that any feeble attempt at containing it to one small blog post would be just that, feeble. Nevertheless, I will strive to do my best. 

  Grieving through Joscelyn's first year, I knew, would be the hardest year because there are a countless number of milestones achieved in the first year of your child's life. Yes, there are other things that we will grieve and miss out on as time goes, but just getting through this first year is in itself a mountain climbed. Not having her here to celebrate her first birthday is probably one of the hardest moments and memories of all to have to let go of and accept the fact that I won't ever have it. I know her party in Heaven far surpasses anything that I could put on, and that makes me smile. I mean, who wouldn't want to celebrate their first birthday with Jesus?? I'll be He makes the best birthday cake. Go crazy, Joscelyn, and don't be afraid to get those hands covered in frosting! Make sure to get some in that blanket of black hair that I'm sure you still have. 

   Wednesday, April 23, 2014 marks exactly a year from the time we experienced the beautiful birth and short lived life of our little Joscelyn Pearl, and I'm so thankful God gave us the immeasurable amount of grace it took this past year to sustain us and make us stronger and more useful for His Kingdom. Everything we go through in life has a purpose. We aren't just puppets dangling around down here and flung here and there without thought or care. No. We were created in HIS image with PURPOSE and PRECISION and VALUE. Nothing is done in vain. When we choose to hand over the pen of life and allow God to write our story, then is when beauty comes from pain, life comes from death, and wholeness comes from brokenness. If there's one thing that I've learned and I feel like God has pounded into my heart this last year, it's this: my circumstances, be they good or bad, do not define who God is. How we allow God to use those circumstances is what defines Him. No pressure, right? :)  I'll be the first one to confess that I haven't always done a good job of this, but that's where His grace comes in and cleans me up. 

   These last 12 months haven't been a walk in the park, and not every day was filled with rainbows and smiley faces, not even close. It has been a struggle of so many questions, a fight to keep hanging on to truth, and learning to trust God all over again and let go of what we think is ours, but truly is not. I know this Easter Sunday Who my God is: He is GOOD, He is Faithful, He is Healer, He is my Comforter, He is my Sustainer, He is my ROCK of Ages, and He never left our side. He is ALIVE and He has given us hope on the gloomiest of days, and best of all, He has blessed us with another healthy little girl that we already have so much love for and treasure. She will not replace, but RESTORE just as God spoke over us last summer. "so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:11  

   We're celebrating today the new life we have in Christ, the birth of our daughter Joscelyn, and the anticipation of the new life that He has placed inside my womb. It's unexplainable how much joy He has given us where only pain and tears seemed to fill our hearts. God knows all too well what's it's like to see His child die. His ONLY Son was the sacrifice for our sins and I can't even imagine the pain He felt to its depth, but on a small scale I can. And I'm thankful that the pain we've felt does not go unnoticed, but is understood and recognized by the Most High God. YOU do not go unnoticed. YOU are valued. YOU are treasured by the Most High God. Your salvation was bought at very high price. Receive it, embrace it, and let God write your story.

  Bless the Lord, O my soul, 
 and all that is within me,

    bless his holy name!

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits,

who forgives all your iniquity,
    who heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit,
    who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

who satisfies you with good
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Psalm 103:1-5

  Happy Easter, and Happy Birthday to the little girl that brought us so much closer to the heart of God. We love you so much!

And to the little girl who will join the family this August, you my dear, are such an enormous gift and we can't wait to meet you!!

   

Mending a Broken Heart

     Not a single day goes by that I don't think about what she would look like right now. I wonder if her hair would be curly or straight, if her features would resemble her big sisters, if she'd have her daddy's dimples, or if her little chubby hands would be clapping right now.....there's just so much I'm missing out on of what could've been....should've been, a life fully lived out and enjoyed with her family.

     Over the last 10 months, we have seen some of the darkest days that I pray no one else ever has to experience. But the truth is, we all see darkness at some point. We live in a fallen world and at times the darkness seems to overpower the Light, but thank you, Jesus, He ALWAYS shines brighter. He knew before I was even born that I would need two of the most beautiful sources of light that He could give me here on earth. Kirra and Kiana have been my constant joy and healing since losing Joscelyn. There was more than one occasion where one of them would either brush my tears away with a sweet, little hand, or quietly bring me a tissue. I distinctly remember one time when in the middle of my tears, Kiana looked at me and said, "It's okay, Mommy." Words can't even describe how much healing those times have brought me. They have a strength, a peace, and a love for life that I admire and am so thankful for. On days when I wanted nothing more than to just stay in bed all day and cry, they kept me going not knowing how much they were helping me move on with life and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Each day was a step towards more healing, even though at times it didn't feel like it. They have brought so much joy and life into our otherwise deadened hearts. We weren't sure how much they would remember of their little sister, and I've often thought that they probably won't remember much at all since they were barely 2 1/2 years old when we lost Joscelyn. But almost every time we see fresh flowers they point at them and say,"Baby Joscelyn!" That is by far the sweetest memory that I will forever cherish. They've even pointed up at the stars and will say,"God made baby Joscelyn, and the stars, and cookies...." lol The list is endless. :) But they remember!!! And I cannot thank God enough for that. They love when we take flowers to her graveside and play as we reminisce. One day we'll be able to tell them how much of a light and beautiful source of healing they have been for us. And even just helping us to appreciate and value their lives and the pure miracle that they themselves are. Many, many nights we have seated ourselves on the end of their bed and through tears have just marveled at the gift and blessing that they are to us.

      So, to my dearest daughters, Kirra and Kiana, I love you, and thank God for you every day of my life. You will never know or understand how much healing you have brought to my heart, but I pray that the gift you are to us would carry on throughout your lives and into others. Many will be touched by your joy and love for life and by your empathy for those hurting. God knew that your lives would not only change your mommy and daddy, but will one day change the world.
     And to my best friend, my rock, my lover, my defender, my husband. I struggle to find the words to say how much respect and love that I have for you. Countless nights were spent in prayer and tears, and we've grown so much closer because of them. You've always encouraged me to keep going, and at the same time respected the space I needed to grieve our daughter. You have been the best daddy our daughters could ever ask for and I know that Joscelyn would adore you just as much as the twins do. And when Valentine's Day came and you could only give 2 roses to the girls and had to take the 3rd to Joscelyn's grave, I know how much that hurt and made you miss our little angel. Few men have walked through the valley that you have carried your family through, and I honor you for that. You possess a strength and gentleness that resembles our Heavenly Father that I admire that so so much. I know that our children are beyond blessed to have you, and I am a blessed wife indeed.

      My beautiful family has been such a huge part of the Lord mending my broken heart and bringing more and more healing as the days go on. Even though there's so much I'm missing out on of Joscelyn's life, I have an appreciation and fullness of life with my husband and twins that would otherwise be taken for granted had we not gone through our loss. Joscelyn will always be a part of our family and I'm thankful that, even though time does and will go on, she will never be forgotten.

 (Photo credit goes to Krystle Kay Photography for capturing our family so beautifully.)

"Beauty from Ashes"

  Isaiah 40:11
" He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young. "

 Since Joscelyn went home to be with Jesus so much has happened. A lot of difficult emotions and questions have come up. Many of which I figured wouldn't be an issue. Alas, losing a child is not something that is easily accepted or welcomed for that matter, so I guess the unexpected becomes the expected.
  A lot of people have asked us along the way how we're doing, and honestly overall we have been good. Not great, not overjoyed, but just good. Right now though I am angry. At times I have felt the deepest rage at God for taking my baby and not healing her heart for her to stay here and fill my ever-so-empty and heavy arms. I've screamed at Him and bore my soul to the one Who created me and begged Him to take me too. Especially when we had to move out of the home she was born in only 5 short months after she was born, and then finding out that her headstone was installed on my birthday. Some days the pain I feel is beyond physical comprehension and I wonder if I'll ever be the same. The truth? No. I won't ever be the same. And I've come to realize and embrace that fact. I may not and most likely will not have any or all answers this side of Heaven. But, OH! How badly I demand them at times!!
   There is one, no two incidences that occurred shortly after she passed that I have felt needed to be shared to show how loving and gracious my Father is. It was exactly seven weeks after my due date with Joscelyn and I was serving coffee at our church during the week of Bible School. I didn't want to be there, but I wanted to help. Up until this time I felt like everywhere I went people stared. I now had a label. It felt like I had a giant neon sign above my head that told the world,"This is the lady that lost her baby, and her prayer wasn't answered." It was awful. I didn't know how to let go, trust God with her, and allow Him to heal my heart. It was even effecting my marriage. I felt unimportant, insignificant, unloved, even completely disregarded by my Maker. The final night of Bible School arrived and I found myself surrounded by a sea of people and happy children, and I was still wondering why in the world God wanted me there. All of sudden a lady with an incredibly kind face came up and asked if she could talk to me. I said,"Sure", assuming that she was going to say something to the fact that she saw our story on Facebook and was really touched, etc. What she ended up saying blew my mind and was straight from the mouth of God. She went on to say,"I don't know who you are, but every time I see you and even just coming into the room this evening, I get this overwhelming sense that God has something that is very precious to you. (Joscelyn's middle name, Pearl, meant Precious and that name was spoken to me by God Himself....crazy!) I feel like I'm supposed to tell you that He has it and it's okay. He loves you and you are precious to Him." I stared at her like a deer in headlights and asked her,"You don't know who I am??" "No", she said. I then proceeded to tell her how we just lost our little baby girl and we hugged and both bawled our eyes out.  I told Brenton as soon as I was on my way home, and we were both freaking out.
     The other incident involved a missionary from India that we had never met. After hearing him share his story we were talking with him and he looked straight at me and said,"God heals the broken hearted. He's going to restore what was taken from you." Totally Holy Spirit led and God ordained. Divine intervention that has healed my heart over and over. God is a roaring lion when His children are hurting and I heard Him loud and clear.  
     My label has become a blessing, in fact. Even Jesus had a label. They don't need to be a bad thing. God can and does make beauty from ashes. What matters is how we allow God to use our labels, our wounds, our life story that He's writing to bring Him ultimate glory and honor and make us better. He has called me to put our story into words and while it can be the hardest thing to do at times, I always wait for His nudging to continue with the next blog post and it brings new healing each time. God is the ultimate healing and is healing me in my time of being angry. It's definitely not something I thought I'd go through, but like I said earlier,"The unexpected starts to become the expected." And God is always there waiting for me in my next stage of grief. Even though I can't always sense Him there, I know He's walking me through. Today is a new day, a better day. And I thank God for bringing me through the last 7.5 months with relatively minor injuries. There's still a LOT of healing to take place......but He's getting me there. He is and always was Good, and Gracious, and Gentle with His flock. 

Baby Warrior

I've been wanting to share the letter/testimony that I wrote to Joscelyn in honor of the impact that she made in our lives and in the lives of so many people around us. I've titled this blog "Baby Warrior" because that's who Joscelyn was to me. She was a fighter, a little hero....my little warrior. I still can't believe I shared this at her funeral, especially since I had literally just given birth several days earlier and was a constant puddle of tears, but hey, when the Spirit moves you, you better MOVE. And it really was okay. It was healing actually, and I didn't do it for me. She deserved this. She deserved to be honored, to be spoken for. Most of all God deserved it and more. He deserves to have her in His arms. He deserves all the honor, glory, and praise for the life He gave us even though it was short. He IS worthy....even if I have a hard time understanding how or why, He just is. After all, He is the Potter, and we are the clay. He the Creator, we the creation. It's ALL His. Can you grasp that? I have a hard time wrapping my brain around that. But if we can somehow let that penetrate that every single fiber of our being is for God's glory, for His purpose, to bring HIM praise.....maybe we wouldn't freak out so much when things don't go according to how WE have planned if we kept that mindset and spirit of reverence and awe. Easier said than done, I know.....but it's worth thinking and mulling over. Just think about it. Not our will, but HIS be done.

" I don't consider myself to be an excellent or eloquent speaker by any means, but my prayer is that what I have to say would bless you, shed some light on our journey with Joscelyn, and above all, glorify our Father, our Healer, in Heaven.
     My dearest Joscelyn,
   I knew from the very first moment that I found out that I was pregnant with you that you would bring us so much joy! Not only did you do just that, but you brought to us an encounter with Christ in the short 9 months that I carried you and felt your life in my womb, and the four and a half hours that we held you in our arms. That encounter changed us in ways we never imagined possible. We learned about faith, full surrender, and unrestrained trust in our Creator and Father in Heaven. We have seen the heart of our Father and have felt His immense, undeserved grace and peace through this entire journey. When darkness seemed to cloud over, His light would always shine brighter. Never once did we ever walk alone. Your heart wasn't perfect for this earth, but it was perfect for the purpose that God had for you to fulfill in that short amount of time that He blessed us with. Isaiah 55: 10-12 says,

'As the rain and the snow

    come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

    without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

    It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

12 

You will go out in joy

    and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills

    will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field

    will clap their hands.'

We glorify and praise God for fulfilling that purpose of using you to show us more of Himself--His word did not return empty. After everything is said and done, we can say and full heartedly believe that our God is and always was GOOD, He is HEALER, and He is more than worthy of our praise. You impacted our lives more than anyone we've ever met, and I will forever treasure and feel so honored and blessed to be you mother and call you my daughter. Your name was given to us by God and means joy, health, and long life. God has answered and fulfilled His promise to you of healing as well as long life with Him in Heaven where you are safely resting, completely whole, in the arms of Jesus. We have such an amazing peace and true joy right now and it's only because of Jesus. Until we see your beautiful face again, dance with Jesus, sweet Joscelyn, dance until I can one day dance with you in Heaven. We love you so much and thank our Father for blessing our lives with you but for a moment. 

   Remember Joscelyn for the peace and the joy that she brought to us and that her purpose was fulfilled on this earth as fleeting as the time was. We desire to honor God because of His gift of Joscelyn and because of who He is through worship so please join us now to do just that and I pray that you can catch a glimpse of what Heaven will be like and know the heart of our Father as we have experienced it. Thank you all for being here with us. We are beyond blessed to have you here, not only today, but for walking with us and praying for us through this entire journey. We love you all so much."

  The last several sentences still hold truth today. To everyone who has sent cards, texts, emails, flowers...oh! the flowers!, brought food, prayed and prayed some more...you will never know how much healing and love we felt through those acts of kindness. Thank you just doesn't feel sufficient. I pray God pours out His blessings abundantly for how you've blessed us, and that when you get to Heaven you hear Him say,  “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ "

I'm including the songs we sang at Joscelyn's funeral so feel free to listen and worship right where you're at. Never have I felt the Holy Spirit like I did when we sang these songs and worshipped God with our baby before our final goodbye here on earth. I pray you feel it too. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWPABE3gycs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZEltZXQpuM

The Grave is Not Final

     Truth be told, I do not want to be back here again. I don't want to be reliving this part of our journey. For me, it is the most difficult part to have to put into words. God doesn't build character and faith in us by giving us easy roads to walk, this I know to be true.
     She was born early at 1:07am on April 23, and passed away around 5:40am. We decided that the funeral would be on Friday, April 26th at 4:00pm. We also decided to have a closed casket service because we chose not to have her embalmed. We knew how hard it was to let her go when the funeral home had to come pick up her little body, and with how much death showed its definite signs, we didn't want to remember her that way. The hard decisions kept coming. To view or not to view, what kind of casket do we want, what burial plot did we want..... She would be buried in the angel garden area in our church's cemetery with several other babies that had gone on before her. Looking back now I don't see how on earth I made it through those days of her being born and then burying her several days after. I had an incredible amount of energy and physical strength that I know was by the grace of God so that I could feel somewhat normal. The flowers started arriving at our house, and were such sweet, beautiful reminders of our little Joscelyn. Our house literally smelled like a giant lily. It was awesome. I know now at least one reason why God created flowers. They have a way of bringing so much beauty and peace in the midst of chaos and heartbreak. Brenton and I tried our best to get as much sleep as we could between processing everything that was happening, plans for a funeral that had to be made, and a day coming up that nobody really anticipated or looked forward to.
     Family started to arrive, several dear friends from other states flew down to attend the funeral. Words will never be able to dictate how much that meant to me. Thursday, April 25, my dear friend Jeanna stole me away for most of the day. She treated me to breakfast at First Watch after which she proceeded to pamper me with a manicure, pedicure, and a new dress and sandles to wear to Joscelyn's funeral. Bandages to my wounded heart. Kindness that has left an eternal impression on me. She told me that she and her husband wanted to pay for me to have my hair done before we went to the funeral......more bandages. This along with meals being brought in, a dear friend that came down after having suffered a miscarriage only weeks before Joscelyn was born, gifts for the twins, etc., literally made us feel like were picked up and carried through those hard days.
   And then Friday morning came. I woke up early and made some coffee and read a little in my Bible before I just melted into a puddle of tears thinking I couldn't possibly do what was going to be required of me that day. Thankfully, I was never alone in any of it. Brenton was off of work the whole week, thank the Lord, and was my rock even though he, too, was trying to be strong. By the grace of God, we survived and came out breathing, barely. :) I began working on a short testimony that I felt God was prompting me to share at the funeral. This terrified me, but I knew I had to do it for Joscelyn, for those attending, and to give insight on our journey with our little angel. I got dressed in the dress and shoes that our sweet friends gifted me with. Fuchsia. I chose a vibrant fuchsia for the twins and me to wear to our sweet girl's funeral. I refused to wear black. I wanted it to be a celebration and a remembrance of her life as short as it was. Our friends joined us in this and it made my spirit soar being surrounded by their support.We arrived at the church just as the funeral director was pulling into the lane with our little baby girl. As we set up a little display of pictures and flowers on her casket, Kirra and Kiana played happily in the background. They were the sweetest, happiest little angels that day. The service was the most peaceful, spirit-felt funeral I have ever been a part of. My sister sang "Healer" by Kari Jobe, our pastor read Joscelyn's obituary, Brenton's dad shared a short devotional, then I shared my testimony after which we had a few songs of praise and worship. We chose "Came to My Rescue" by Hillsong and "Beautiful" by Phil Wickham. Songs that speak exactly how we felt and that I will forever cherish. It was such a beautiful, sunny day. I know that God made the day perfect for us.
     After the service we made our way to the graveside. Brenton and I carried Joscelyn's little casket out of the funeral director's van and placed it gently onto the boards that were the only thing separating her body from the ground 4 feet below. And then they lowered the casket ever so slowly into the ground. Brenton, the twins, and I each dropped a white rose onto her casket and then they began to cover it up. Shovel after shovel of dirt slowly burying our baby girl that I had just given birth to only a few short days ago. A father and mother bury their daughter, grandparents bury their granddaughter.....sisters say goodbye to their little sister that they'll never get to giggle and share secrets with. I went up and took the shovel from a friend that so sweetly helped bury our little angel. I'll never forget the sound of that shovel scraping against the dirt and wood. Part of me is haunted my it. Part of me clings to the reality and vividness of that moment. The moment that forever physically separated us. As we sat down and watched others take turns burying our baby, I wanted to scream!!! I wanted to dig her out of that pile of dirt and never let her go! My baby was NOT supposed to be in there!! Instead I sat there with empty arms and a swollen belly from what once held life and now nothing. I felt anger, peace, and rage all at once. Anger at what sin has done and the imperfections of our human bodies. Rage against the separation that death creates, but peace in knowing that it's not the end. There was so much peace. That unmistakable peace that was our Father surrounding us and sustaining us. After the burial was finished, we released a white dove as a symbol of us releasing Joscelyn. Our little bird was free, indeed. Death does not have the final say. Thank you, Jesus, it does not have the final say.

Blessed to walk this journey with this man.

The little hands and feet that forever left an impression on our hearts.

Rays of sunshine in our darkest hours.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. Proverbs 17:17

This means so so much to me. Krystle, I love you.

And Marie.....dear Marie. You are such a treasure.

Father and Son bearing a burden together.

Taking flowers home as a keepsake.

The grave in not final. Until we meet again, my sweet Joscelyn.....

Free as a bird

Goodbye For Now

    The hours and several days that passed after Joscelyn went to be with Jesus were by far the hardest moments I've ever lived. So much of it just felt like a whirlwind of emotions. There was peace amidst inner turmoil. Love amidst gut-wrenching pain. Our friends, they're more like family really, immediately took action to make things as "bearable" for us as possible. One kindly went and bought breakfast for everyone in the house while another went and bought groceries that more than stocked our fridge. Simple acts of kindness to some, but blessings from Heaven for us. We spent time holding, cuddling, and drinking in every teeny tiny detail we could before we'd have to let her go. Our pastor came over and so kindly went over the details of planning her funeral and what decisions we'd have to make. Plans that no parent ever thinks about making or having to put thought into....especially on the very same day you give birth. Our midwife, Harmony, was an angel and a half. When the paramedics and police had to come and pronounce her dead and make sure nothing suspicious happened, she handled it with ease and made the process so much easier to go through. Even the policeman and paramedics that came in were such gentlemen....so kind and respectful and moved to tears for the little body that just several hours earlier had surged with life.
     We dressed her in a special little white dress with pink butterflies and a little matching grey sweater that fit her tiny body perfectly. Even the girls helped out. We sang songs to her and took her hand and foot prints in hot pink ink that beautifully decorates the baby book that only got partially filled. Krystle kindly came over around 2:30pm after a long night of photographing the birth to take newborn and family pictures for us. Pictures that say a thousand words and are very dear to my heart. Then, as death's darkness began taking over her little body, we knew it was time to call the funeral home to come take her so we wouldn't remember her that way. More hard decisions. Around 4:00pm a young man from the funeral home came by to take her. He brought in a simple, delicate, white casket to place her in. I thought I could do it, but I just couldn't. I didn't have the strength to physically place my baby in that box. I sobbed as I handed her over to Brenton, and he ever so gently placed her inside and shut the lid. He carried her outside to the van that waited to take her away. That was the last time we would see and hold our sweet baby on this earth.
     That night we didn't sleep much at all. We both clung desperately to Jesus and the pink blanket we had wrapped her in. Our tears put us to sleep as we reminisced about our sweet baby and cried out to Jesus to sustain us. Deep, mind-numbing pain. I know now in a small part how God must have felt when His Only Son died on that rugged cross, knowing that it had to be done for my redemption. For your redemption. A good friend of mine told me that "God never wastes pain." Words that have resonated with me again and again. He brings "beauty from ashes" and I believe that without pain, we would never see beauty. If it wouldn't be for the hard steps He asks us to take in life, we would never change, or grow, or become refined from the pain that often times goes hand in hand with those steps. Pain is necessary. And it can be good. If we let the Master use it for good. I always said that if this is what would bring God the most glory then I want to be all in. Being all in requires losing yourself to gain Christ.....not an easy processs, and I have by no means reached this, but I'm getting there. The more I lose of myself and this life to gain Christ, as hard and painful as it may be, I know that there is beauty coming.....one day.

Ready or Not.....Here She Comes!!

     I have to admit, I've been avoiding this post for a while. Some of the memories are far too precious and oh so hard to relive in my mind at times, let alone share on a blog for the public eye and mind to read. But, I know that this part of the story is by far the best as hard as it may be to share. I only pray I can honor God and Joscelyn's short little life to the best of my abilities with these words and tears.

     There's nothing that completely enraptures one's soul than that of a newborn child, your own newborn child. It forever changes the way you see the world, your life, and the heart of God. To know that your child was so intricately and delicately woven together by the Master's tender hands is so beautiful, and then, when the time is just right, He presents His masterpiece to you on their birthday as if to say, "Okay, here's the finished product of my love, my heart, and my gift to you." It's even more incredible when you're expecting a miracle for a miracle. Each and every child is a miracle. Even when they gave us the option to abort our sweet girl, we knew that wasn't even an option....no matter what we would face. That wasn't our call to make. None of it was.
     We tried so hard not to get impatient as we waited for God to show us His finished masterpiece and let Joscelyn make her debut. We took walks in the evenings hoping to induce the much anticipated labor and while my mom pulled the twins in their wagon I waddled behind them holding Brenton's hand and trying not to feel like a giant, sweaty elephant sauntering down the road. It was great, and painful all at the same time! :) And then it started. The gradual increase of contractions telling me that it was time. The masterpiece was done and our baby was finally going to show her face at last. I called my midwife and told her it was time. My mom gathered up the twins and took them to a friend's house so it would just be Brenton, Harmony(my midwife), Jessica(midwife assistant), and Krystle(photographer) present at the labor and birth. Harmony arrived, we filled up the birthing pool, and labor was in full swing. I was surrounded by Scriptures on our wall, we listened to worship music as I labored, and I know that Jesus was there with us. I remember thinking at one point, "What was I THINKING when I thought a home birth would be great??!!! This is crazy!" Haha....as crazy as it seemed in those 4/4.5 hours of labor, it was hands down, the best thing I have EVER experienced. Brenton was the most amazing, supportive, and just all around amazing birth coach/partner God ever put by my side. There's no way I could have done what I did without him there. I'll spare you all the gory details, but what I will say is that our little Joscelyn, although small and fragile, was a fast, furious, and ready-to-get-out-and-see-the-world little firecracker!! My water broke at 1:03, and she was born and 1:07. I pushed once. Just once and she was born. Beautifully crying, perfect little angel. Hearing her cry was the sweetest sound to ever reach our ears. We were so overwhelmed and thrilled to meet her. Brenton cried more than I did. No lie. We could tell as soon as she was born that she was a fighter, but she wasn't normal. I held her close, told her how perfect and beautiful she was. I told her how much I loved her, and then we prayed. We prayed harder than we've ever prayed in our entire lives for God to heal our child, and give her a miracle of healing. As she showed us signs of her weakness shortly after birth, I started speaking the name of Jesus over her. I know and believe there is power in the name of Jesus. So did she. That little girl knew who her Father was, and she responded to His name. As helpless as she was, she knew nothing more than how to respond to the name of Jesus and the love we gave her. She immediately became more alert and opened her eyes to look at us. We weren't guaranteed even an hour with her, but God gave us a miracle of four and a half precious hours with our baby.
     Within an hour and a half of her being born, we were surrounded by 15 of our closest friends and family. These people prayed, sang, and walked through some of the most intense hours of our life with us. To our warriors: Gary and Joyce Helmuth, Emily Campbell, Chalee Root, Matt and Jen Mast, Keisha Helmuth, Zach and Jeanna Helmuth, Ryan and Rebecca Mayer, Angela Menzie, Linda Menzie, and our girls.....and to everyone else who prayed us through, thank you just doesn't feel like enough. She didn't have her eyes open for long but it was long enough to make a lasting impression on me and give me one of the sweetest memories of her short life. The second was that of her grabbing my finger with her tiny hand. That too lasted for just a fleeting second, but I'll never forget it. Everyone got a chance to hold her while she was alive, thank you Jesus, and we spent our time drinking in and savoring every detail of her and giving her as much peace, comfort, and love as we possibly could. She had a head full of thick dark hair, the sweetest nose and ears, and little rolls of baby fat on her legs and arms. She was such a beautiful baby. We knew there was still time for her to be miraculously healed, but it wasn't meant to be here on this earth. I remember when Harmony told us that her heart was failing her little body, and we knew she would be gone soon. She rested peacefully on her daddy's chest and each time she exhaled, it was as if she was singing to us. So, so sweet. It's so beautiful and amazing to me that she knew and loved her daddy and found comfort in resting on his chest even though I physically carried her in my womb. She knew her earthly father just like she knew her Heavenly Father. Harmony weighed her to find out she weighed a whopping 6lbs 1oz! Compared to the twins this was a big deal for me. :) After she was weighed, Harmony handed her back to me and as I held her, I felt my sweet baby take one last breath before she passed on into the loving arms of Jesus. Forever at peace....forever made whole....forever loved. His masterpiece was finished.
     I thank God for giving us a miracle of four and a half hours with His precious gift to us. Even though letting her go was one of the hardest things we've ever experienced, I know that it's not the end. I know that one day we WILL get to see her and hold her again and we won't ever have to let go again.

Dance with Jesus, my sweet Joscelyn, dance until one day I can dance with you in Heaven.